| SO LONG, FAREWELL, I HATE TO SAY GOODBYE: |
[Wed. Feb 13, 2008 @ 3:56am] |
I just finished a bag of carrots after their "best before" date. They had that spicy quality to them that stays on your tongue & adds its tingle on everything you eat for the next hour or so. Alas, that is what happened to my Activia French vanilla yogurt.
And instead of studying for my 2 midterms, I stay up to do This is where I have moved.
LJ, you will always be my first love.
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| frozen hands, not hearts: |
[Mon. Feb 11, 2008 @ 3:35pm] |
"Where are we?! It's so cold!"
That's what we said when we got off the bus oustide Mac-Correy coming back from Circle Square Ranch yesterday. Seriously. There are these dagger-like icicles hanging precariously outside our bathroom window. Both the hot & cold water taps didn't work this morning in the big bathroom! And the toilet didn't flush, which I'm thinking is a consequence of this intense cold. The sidewalks are literally paved with ice -- & I must look like an idiot scurrying in tiny steps along the snow-covered ice blanket. It's so much easier just to walk on the road. If only cars didn't have to get in the way.
---
This is the article I read this morning. It's good to know that the WHO recognizes the interdisciplinary & intercontinental root of the problem. But still, everything in the end comes down to money. TB is just one infectious disease, and one issue in a complex & intertwined problem of health & poverty & governance. I find it so easy for me to get lost in the rhetoric, when I lose myself in the complexity & wonder how I can take part & work towards prevention & treatment. Wouldn't personal action be more effective with a focus?
At Urbana and even with some of my friends from C4C, people talk about how God has placed a certain people group or country on their heart. I can only wonder if it will be a people group, community, city, country, or particular issue that God will place on my heart. For the moment, I am still exploring & learning about the scope of social, health & development issues.
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| rest & reflection & reverence: |
[Mon. Feb 11, 2008 @ 3:12pm] |
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I've literally typed those 3 words in 6 separate emails/Fakebook wall posts when describing my past weekend to different people.
A lot of opportunities have been accumulating & culminating in the same vein of thoughts over the course of this year, themes in the areas of global development, social justice, HIV/AIDs, global health, urban ministry. In a sense, I have tapped into some sources where these events & opportunities are available in Kingston through AltFreq & Invisible College. Now I find it's a matter of difficulty trying to write some sort of conclusive thoughts on the issues of poverty, racial & religious & worldview diversity & spirituality that I've run into. Funnily enough, the same themes ran through KCCF & KCF's winter retreat this past weekend. Even the Bible study I attended at OBF the Tuesday before retreat focused on God's holiness. I don't think these are coincidences.
Here is the start of a sort-of narrative, starting with the Bible study led by Allan McQuarrie on Tuesday night. The very essence of God is that He is Spirit and that He is holy. His holiness is not merely another of His characteristics; rather, all of His attributes stem from His holiness -- His wrath, justice, mercy, love and grace, amongst them all. This was my preamble to winter retreat, where we explored the Biblical examples of God's holiness.
Among other things, our speaker Yu-Ling presented our response to God's holiness: a philosophy of living that I've witnessed in some individuals around me, both Christian & non-Christian, & that of kingdom living. (Rom. 12:1-2) It can be described as heaven-on-earth living, consecrating our actions as set apart for God (Ex. 19) & taking captive every thought & word for Him (2 Cor. 10:5). Salvation is instantaneous, but sanctification is a process. Once we as Christians realized our depravity, repented of our sinful ways & thus saved, we invited the Holy Spirit into our lives. Since the old cannot live with the new, the dark cannot co-exist with the light, we are then to cast off our old selves & put on the new self (Eph. 4:22-24, Rom. 6:1-15). Our response to God should be evident in our life, as an overflow of the Spirit living in us, a life described as "streams of living water" flowing from within (Jn. 7:38-39).
He also gave us practical suggestions on how to practice this way of living, how it translates into taking care of the environment, caring for the "poor & needy" in the context of the places we have found ourselves in, sustainable living, buying food locally -- which will incur higher financial cost. But it's impossible to pursue God without sacrifices -- isn't our very life meant to be a sacrifice "holy and pleasing to God"? Then, is not everything we have a bonus, and is not every part of our living a part of that sacrifice?
He demonstrates this type of living with his own life too -- like how he's stopped buying clothes, and how he praised God that his parents brought Tupperware to the Chinese restaurant to pack left-overs instead of using the styrofoam containers.
It's humbling to think of the little that we do have & how much we pride ourselves in our tiny possessions & accomplishments. Yet, we need not be ashamed of them -- for when we give the glory to the One who gave us these things, there is joy in the small things we are given.
My personal thoughts thus far are far from conclusive because I am definitely still in the midst of God's plan working out in my life. But the fascinating thing is that I feel & know that He is working in me, teaching me, rebuking me, changing me. I feel so much dissatisfaction in what I'm studying right now -- but this only serves to excite me because I am moving towards a different direction. I can only trust that the things I've applied to will be the opportunities God will use to use me with this direction of passion.
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| "God's in His heaven. All's right with the world." |
[Fri. Feb 08, 2008 @ 3:10am] |
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( oh, how i wish i could go ! )
Raspberry cordial & pound cake!
Anne was an integral part of my childhood.
I still remember the Christmas when my parents gave me the entire boxed set of 8 books.
I learned about kindred spirits, fairy world imagination, poetic descriptions, reading&writing & storybook romance from Lucy Maud.
She is so quotable.
"When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road.
I thought I could see along it for many a milestone.
Now there is a bend in it.
I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does.
It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla."
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| two-one: |
[Thu. Feb 07, 2008 @ 11:55pm] |
Snow is a most likely birthday gift for me & all other early February babies. We had a surprise blizzard around this time last year, and today brings another huge batch of fluffy white snow. What the snowman learned about love indeed!
So. I am twenty-one.
Thanks to everyone who stuck around/came back when I arrived late to my own birthday shindig (*embarrassment*). Thanks for the mango pudding, apples & caramel cream cheese brown sugar dip, lemon glaze cupcakes, roses(!), lantern, earrings (x2!), cards, & (highlyhighly embarrassing) song. Presence is such a wonderful present. ♥!
Anyhow, I'd rather not talk about me. There are a lot more interesting things to talk about.
I don't think we have to look very far to see suffering. I think suffering is defined in the everyday sort of sense, where the suffering we witness or see as those who aren't suffering alongside is merely a moment or a slice of the actual suffering. As I was walking back from the bus station today, I was head-down, trudging through the mountains of snow, already browning & packed from multitudes of feet tramping & trampling down the sidewalks as snow continued to fall from the sky. it's a common sight to see students & residents alike avoiding sidewalks that haven't been shoveled & invading the usually more cleared roads. as i was crossing, i turned my head & noticed a man pushing his wife (presumably) in a wheelchair down brock street, forced off the sidewalk because the path wasn't cleared of snow. and in that moment, i just caught a glimpse of a mere moment of their struggle, as an outsider & giver of my split-second attention & pity.
I attended 2 talks today. The first one was by a 5th year development studies & English major & former CFRC volunteer -- less about his work/study placement in Johannesburg, South Africa with JournAIDS, and more about Mbeki's AIDS dissendence, Jacob Zuma, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang (of this insanity), media coverage of South African governance & HIV/AIDS, and press freedom. He used editorial cartoons by Zapiro, whom I think is brilliant, to guide his informal talk, which I also think was brilliant & engaging. ( Jacob Zuma is quite the caricature. ) What struck me the most was the way in which all the information just tumbled from his lips about the complex nature surrounding both the media coverage and HIV/AIDS, underscored by the governance of South Africa. He had no answers, and I felt the complexity and helpless nature that culminated at the end of the talk. I kept thinking that, in a place like South Africa, how not knowing God & the hope & joy & purpose that comes from knowing Him would easily lead to an attitude of fatalism. Living in the country with the highest number of HIV infections and led by an AIDS dissident would definitely overcome anyone after hearing the deluge of denialism & government dissidence.
The second talk was held by the DEVS DSC as part of International Development Week, a panel discussion on the ethics of studying & working abroad. (And the reason I was the "surprise" to my own birthday thing.) Many issues were brought up & discussed & it was a pretty good forum for thought & opinion & questions & critiques. There are so many implications & applications of working or volunteering as a young, privileged Canadian in any environment where disparity exists, even within our own city.
It's important to think about how we are everyday ambassadors of not only our culture & social norms, but also our God & His image that He has created us in.
I think all of today was part of God's conversation to me. Because here I am, blogging about this, instead of studying for my midterm which is on Monday at 8:30am, and which I won't be able to study for this weekend since I'm going to KCCF's winter retreat. I am quite the screwed in terms of biochemical regulatory mechanisms.
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| livin' dreamin' givin': |
[Tue. Feb 05, 2008 @ 1:50am] |
the most ideal moments can never be planned because they are created to unfold spontaneously.
like how that girl came to the kccf office to pray when grace was still (sleeping) there. or how my unintended goal to be published will be accomplished since my submission to cultureSHOCK was accepted. & how i finally saw sharlene, though we never planned to rendezvous. & how i spent the night adrift on sargasso sea's sonic landscapes, aroused by velvet claws' snarly bass & drum, and movin' groovin' to magic jordan's sultry sexy beats & synths alongside ivy. only during cfrc's 3rd annual funding drive would i be doing this at the grad club on a monday night.
hot chip - made in the dark
every night in motion, together, apart
apart from the moments so dear to my heart
dangit, i forgot to take pictures.
---
Forget about buying me silly socks or anything vinyl, even though I'm dying for some musical vinyl, & a turntable to go with some of that.
I'd rather you just donate to CFRC by calling in at 613.533.CFRC, donating online at www.cfrc.ca or dropping it off at the radio station in person at Carruther's Hall on Queen's campus. Or I'd rather you just give something to someone else on behalf of me.
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| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzTrYcMACkY |
[Sun. Feb 03, 2008 @ 10:17pm] |
speak in this close communion
though this hour seems timeless still
i wait for Your words that bid me come
breathe in me, Holy Spirit
the will when my tomorrow comes
to follow when this song is gone
so i await the words that You say
i open my life
i am longing just to hear these words
that You say, that You say
shape me with words of wisdom
free my torn heart from this world
renew my mind and form my will
teach me to wholly offer
more than words that i can sing
so i become the song i bring
so i await the words that You say
i open my life
i am longing just to hear these words
that You say, that You say
can i be an instrument of praise
and here pursue Your heart
so my life will tell of who You are
?
can i be a channel of Your love
a reflection of Your light
and live to bring You praise and serve You, Lord
? so i await the words that You say
i open my life
i am longing just to hear these words
that You say, that You say --eric owyoung
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| calm & spontaneous: |
[Sat. Feb 02, 2008 @ 11:05am] |
I love Saturday mornings. The house is usually quiet and still sleeping (or out for scheduled appointments, worship practice, or grocery shopping) and a quiet calm settles in my room as gentle sunlight and snowlight filter in through the window.
I love the thick, white snow & how it mutes everything it blankets.
I forgot to claim my free tea from CoGro and the Tea Room from my voting voucher!
But I still want a Tea Room travel mug. (Hint!)
Speaking of birthday hints, this is the perfect weather for some of these!
And do you think this would be sufficient for carrying Mr. Darcy around in?
I'm going home for 24 hours! (Or less!)
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| ottawa, you're the fourth: |
[Thu. Jan 31, 2008 @ 11:31pm] |
Seriously. What am I going to do with all these failures? They're piling up like sorry bones.
Science isn't fitting into the mould of my schedule. I don't like biochemistry today. There are days that I do. But today was not one of them. I have never felt so confined within the lab before, & all day I was itching to go home to shower just because I felt so dirty being surrounded by cells & bacteria & proteins. Some days, it's like forcing myself to swallow a bitter pill. Today, I don't care about signaling pathways and acronyms, so many freakin' acronyms.
This is me reaching a quarter-life crisis a week before I turn 21.
There is only one thing I can count on in my life. It may sound like foolishness to some (of you), but what I can tell you is that there's definitely a peace that's residing in me, a peace that transcends all earthly understanding.
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| Meet the real Mr. Darcy: |
[Thu. Jan 31, 2008 @ 12:21am] |
Nov. 6, 2007 - Jan. 28, 2008
I was abandoned & left alone,
computerless.
Then he came along:
My previous laptop was merely posing as Mr. Darcy.
He was actually Mr. Wickham, an unreliable sort of fellow.
I particularly like how he recognizes my fingerprint. How personal he is!
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| number three: |
[Tue. Jan 29, 2008 @ 12:12am] |
Queen's said no to me.
But I still said yes to Queen's.
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| two rejections into it: |
[Sat. Jan 26, 2008 @ 9:30pm] |
UBC & McMaster have denied me interviews. I swallow & move on. It's the truth to say that I don't have my life or its plan figured out, since I'm not the one holding it in the first place.
My own ignorance, pride & fallibility never cease to amaze & humble me. The depravity of my thoughts & intentions is quite disgusting at times.
My academic habits have definitely not been as dedicated as they were in high school, & it definitely shows. Volunteer journalism-ing with Alternative Frequency & trying to figure out how to lead a not-so-small group of Christians have definitely taken priority over catching up with school at times. Is this an indication that I won't ever be as academically successful? My priorities have realigned. And I know this by the sleep I sacrifice to wake up in the mornings to walk to prayer meetings, & by the increasing time I devote to seek & to be with God. Does that mean my marks should suffer? Does that mean I will devoting my life in a vocation that will not require academic success? Is this what I have gone through university to learn & come away with?
No, I don't believe so.
A lot of things have been taken away from me. People, academic success, health, technology, acceptances, certainty. Different things have been given to me. New opportunities that come with challenges, failures, (extremely mild) silent suffering, lessons so many lessons on passion, devotion, peace, joy, boldness, love. The privilege of investing in individual lives & growing together with people.
But sometimes, though I'd like to think that I count successes & failures much differently than the world does, and that my transcript & CV do not define who I am -- like I said, I am still fallible. I still compare. Though I'd like to think that I've become a better person in the context of a bigger world, not for my sake, but for Someone Else's glory and renown, I still hoard precious moments for myself. I still despair, I still worry and I still regret.
I definitely have no use for the knowledge that my marks have been based on -- I forget the things I study as soon as I hand in the exam & walk out the room. What I have learned & will remember is shaped by my decisions & what I will do next. Yet, not every decision I make is part of a greater purpose. I lack foresight so many times. Still. What remains is never visible; the tangible is always ephemereal.
I have learned that I still have much farther to go. (I am still passive & unresponsive to opportunities in situations that require initiative. And I still regret.) What can I say for certain? My faith has increased, my hope in what cannot be seen & what I do not know. And there's a lot that I can't see, and there's a lot that I don't know.
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